So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
