i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
