I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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