What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
