he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
