Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I forget how to act sober
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
