he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize