Already got asked if we're dating
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
