Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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