I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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