Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't turn off my feet"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
