The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
