It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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