i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
