I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
