My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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