That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
