I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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