Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
