I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
