Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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