I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
