I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
