I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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