Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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