and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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