So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
