I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
