what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
