The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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