you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
