tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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