Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
