I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
