I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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