Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
