everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
