there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
