i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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