do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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