I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
