The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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