what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
