can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize