so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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