Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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