Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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