4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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