I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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