thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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