That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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