this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
