FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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