Sry I called you an 8
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
