Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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