i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
