His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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