remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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